“Do” Over “Don’t.”

“Everything you want is because you think you will feel better in the having of it.” A. Hicks

And, void drives value… your emptiness drives your fulfillment.

Meaning… what you want is to feel different than you do… this is natural.

However, instead of recognizing what we want and then turning our attention to what we want, we tend to occupy the state of what it’s like not to have what we want… or feel the way we want.

You’re getting exactly what you want, even if you’re not liking it.

Because you are constantly being in the state (thinking, feeling, acting like) of what it’s like, and what it means to be and have what you don’t want… you’re doing it. You’re being that way.

That’s the outside-in game…

Bit of a mental riddle? Puzzling?

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Here, it’s like this:

Ask anyone what they want, and they’ll likely spend ten minutes telling you all about what they don’t want…

How they don’t want it…

Why they don’t want it…

And then they’ll back all of that up with stories about:

• What they didn’t _________,
• How they couldn’t _________,
• Why it wasn’t _______…

And when they’re done with that, they’ll explain:

• Why it’s so hard,
• So difficult, damn near impossible…
• And how they wish it would _______!!! Someday, hopefully, maybe…

…all the while being in a “state of being” (a feeling, or an energy about it) that they are all too familiar with…

And it’s probable they don’t like feeling that way… though; they keep doing that to themselves repeatedly. Wondering why it’s like that…

They’re experiencing their own perfected state of “don’t want.” And they’re not liking it. Not enjoying it. WISHING it would change…

However, the state they are in is so well-rehearsed… They’ve practiced it. Like the demeanor or attitude of a character, they’ve learned how to play…

If you’ve known them for long enough, this is ‘just how they are…’

Press them hard enough to tell you what they Do want, and more often than not, they give you a short list of “fill-in-the-blankables” – ‘this thing, that thing, some of that… bigger this, more that, less of the other…’

You know, the typical shit people think they want…

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What you attend to tends to.

We are wired to be on guard about what’s occurring in our experience. Which is a good thing, whether it’s a tiger in the bush… or a bus coming down the street. We need to be aware of what’s occurring in our external environment. And, it is real, in a sense.

However, we have learned to play this creation game from the outside in… allowing things (other people and circumstances) in the external world to dictate how we feel, what we think about, and the actions we do or don’t take.

There is a place for that, but not where we put it, not at the level of importance we give it. It’s merely information. We take it personally as though we have no control of it or significant influence… and that we must participate in it and be subject to it.

When the truth is, we have much of that backward. On top of that, the “things” we’re dealing with, by and large, have been created by us.

Hard pill to swallow, I’m aware.

The depth of this goes on for days, maybe even weeks, as there’s a ton of nuance to it, which we don’t have the time nor the space for here. We can explore the depths another time if you’d like, a rabbit hole of rabbit holes…

For now, let’s pull the essence and the point out of this so we can move forward.

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When we recognize something that we want, more of, less of, or different somehow… that “recognition” is only a signal, like a check engine light or a street sign. Meant to inform us so that we could do something about it.

Instead, what many of us tend to do is constantly think about it and feel about it in that way – the “not having it.”

Imagine going out to your car, starting it, and the check engine light stays on and then chimes three times… what do you do?

Do you focus on it, get all emotionally involved, and start telling yourself stories about it, what it means about the person you are, what this means about your future, and how the day is ruined… and putting your attention on how you don’t want to feel, focussing on it, thinking about it, emoting about it and allowing the way you act to be affected by it?

For some of us, that’s a BIG fucking thing, a disruption, it means a cost is coming we hadn’t planned, gotta rearrange our schedule, burden others to help pick the kids up from school, call in late to work… again.

For others, it’s an inconvenience. Simply getting frustrated and a bit pissed off, exclaiming, “FUCKING OF COURSE!”

Both are effective ways of “being” – both are effective ways of strengthening how we (likely, tend to) deal with “things”…

…or, being the way you tend to be…

Recognizing patterns, giving those patterns the meaning you’ve associated with things like that, and then you act a certain way (you “act accordingly”).

You’ve perfected the art of being you.

Maybe you ignore the “sign” and continue driving the car day after day without taking it to the mechanic… like Penny?

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You’ve learned how to see yourself.

You’ve learned how to see the world.

You’ve learned how to see yourself in that world.

And you’ve created a “way of being” that “suits” you.

Your thoughts. Your feelings. Your actions…

The ones you take, the ones you don’t… all culminate into this “person” that is “known as” you… or who you have become.

By practicing “be-ing” in a specific kind of way.

Much of this “programming” you picked up along the way.

How your immediate family was, how the people in your ‘hood were… the “things” in life that caught your attention and influenced you.

The way people treated you, how you learned to get attention, affection… the “what to do” and the “what not to do,” in order to get you what you wanted/needed…

And over time, you’ve turned all of this into your personal program, adding to it in highly sophisticated and nuanced ways by making it personal…

What it means to you, for you, and about you – “it,” in this case, being “things” that did or did not happen, to you, for you, because of you… which all means “ some-thing” about you… or so you thought, because why wouldn’t it!?!

Here’s the kicker… (you paying attention? Alright, don’t turn left… here it is…) and then… then you created stories about all of it, to tell yourself how it’s gone, how it’s going, and how it will likely go…

…what you’ve done is created your own internal navigation system that is “loosely” based on what reality is actually like – more accurately, what you perceived it as.

And so, off you go, fulfilling what you think it is and will be like… even though you may not be liking it 1.

Locked in a constant struggle of mostly having it the way you need it, sort of the way you want it, all the while playing a twisted game of keep away from yourself.

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The point?

Once this way of being is practiced enough to be more or less automated, we are simply reacting to “things” – both the external world “things” as well as the internal world “things.”

And we, you and I, have perfected that to such a degree that, for the most part, we don’t see it. And to some extent, can’t see it. And even when we do, it’s often easier to play the disbelief game of, “No, I wouldn’t do that to myself… it’s not me!!!”

It’s so simple we tend to miss it.

Hidden in plain sight… right under our nose.

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We’re locked into this game of outside-in, and we’ve developed coping mechanisms to deal with our experience and then have practiced those to such an extent it’s simply the way we are.

Reacting to events, other people, circumstances… and the stories in our own head, the familiar flood of chemicals through our body, reminding us who we are and how life goes for us… what it’s like to be us (who we’ve be-come.)

You became that way. You can become another. That’s both simpler and easier than you may think. It is, however, not what you think it is.

‘Tell me what you DO want… (think about it, feel what it would be like, and act accordingly…) not about what you don’t want.’

PS It is what it is. And, it will be what you make it. Because it is what you think it is. You’re doing it… by being that way.